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01:51pm 15/10/2005
 
mood: creative
Comment to be added, if you will...
 
     Read 5 - Post
 
Well, slap my ass and call me a bitch, SCHOOL IS TOMORROW. FUCK.   
09:50pm 31/08/2005
 
mood: worried
If there is anything I hate in this world, it is probably the night before school because I am so restless and uncomfortable no matter which way I turn over in my bed. It kind of sucks, and I'm not looking forward to the whole 5:30 in the morning thing either. On the bright side, Lisa is giving me a ride tomorrow. I just finished my English paper, and I'm already fucking sick of writing them. Dammit. I knew this school year would suck a big, fat, Hispanic nut.

But anyways, today was alright. I got myself a fucking awesome pink backpack...obviously it was pink...what other color would I buy now? I also got a really cute pair of black pants which I love<3. I saw *Travis & *Bobby at the mall, which was actually quite amusing. Haven't had an solid conversation with Nate in a long time. That's pretty much the common thread in my day...it's always in the back of my mind, bothering me. Nothing I can do.

Ahhh...I better get off the computer and get ready for another awful year at Brewer High School. At least I get to see all of my friends again after a summer off. The best summer of my life by the way...even though half of the friends I thought were friends are probably the biggest misconception of my life. WHATEV.

I hate Brewer. GAH! I want to take a survey just to keep myself busy and make myself tired, but that's obviously not in the schedule because those motherfuckers take FOREVER. Oh well, goodnight :-*

BITE ME.

<3xOxO
 
     Read 2 - Post
 
Survey.   
03:12pm 30/08/2005
 
mood: annoyed
YIPPEE!! It's been a while since I've ACTUALLY POSTED one of these motherfuckers...might as well bite the bullet and do it.

When was the last time you cried? Last night.
Have you ever faked sick? Yes, obviously.
What was the last lie you said? I don't remember, actually.
Have you ever cried during a movie? All the time. (DAMN YOU, ROMANTIC SAD MOVIES!!)
Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of? My gorgeous boyfriend<3
Have you ever danced in the rain? Only every single motherfucking time it rains...YAY!
Have you ever been drunk? Of course, dummies.
Have you ever tried tried drugs? Weed, yeah.
Do you smoke? The occasional cigar...social smoker.
What's the farthest you've ever gone on a dare? "Farthest I've gone", eh? Not sure on that one, actually.
What is your full name? Chelsey Rebecca Davis. Yeahhh, that's right.
What is your blood-type? I am not sure...FUCK. I should find out.
Have you ever been in a car accident? Not that I remember, nope.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss? Fourth grade...so 9? Maybe? I don't know.
Who was your first kiss? Zach Brochu...you little fucker, you. haha.
Have you ever had an online relationship? Hahahahaha, no...creepy shit goes on in this world.
Have you ever had phone-sex? Well then...that's a neat looking question right there.
Have you ever been rejected by a crush? Yes!
What is your favourite sport to play? Tennis.
Have you ever made a prank phone call? Haha, SO MUCH.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it? No...that's fucking ignorant and people that do that should be shot. (Manipulating bastards)
What's your favourite childhood memory? I can't remember far back enough to find the good ones...lol. Isn't that pleasant?
Is there anything that you have done that you regret? Yeahhh, sadly.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Journalist probably.
What is your political persuassion? I'm going to go ahead and say it...FUCK BUSH.
Have you ever had cybersex? Negative.
Do you believe in g-d? What's that? God? If it is, yes.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Sure!
Do you believe in karma? Hahaha, YES. And it comes back around, bitch.
Who was your first crush? Zach Brochu, I think??
Who do you have a crush on? My boyfriend--Nate Paulette.
How would you describe yourself? Kristina has said that I am a "obese youngster running" because it's a sight to see. So, I'll leave it at that.
What are you afraid of? Puking and losing the people I care about/love.
Are you religious? Not really, but I believe in God.
What does your screen name mean? I need to change it...it's from a while ago.
What person do you trust the most? I'm not sure.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? My first High School one? Drew Francis.
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved? One from Nate, most likely. He's good to me<3
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you? Probably something funny...I love it when people call me a "slut" though...it makes me laugh because they couldn't be more wrong.
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had? I'm not counting middle school, so 8 months & a little over.
What is your greatest strength? I dunno.
What is your greatest weakness? I dunno.
What is your perfect pizza? Pepperoni, bitch.
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning? Where is my phone and what time it is.
What is your first thought before you go to bed? My first thought? Where is my phone...lol.
What college do you want to go to? Marshall University in WV...far away from here! (Nate, I'm kidnapping you and taking you with me. So you have no choice.)
Do you get along with your family? Sometimes, probably.
Do you play any instruments? I can play the oboe like it's nobody's business. Actually, no...I don't play any come to think of it.
What kind of music do you like? COUNTRY, Alternative Rock, Emo, Rap...etc.
Do you think you're attractive? I'm not ugly ;)
Would you ever get a tattoo? NO.
How many piercings do you have? Two in ear ear, and my belly button.
Who makes you laugh? A lot of people.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours? NATE!! Maybe we'd get to be alone!?!? And we could shower together ;-) WOOT WOOT!! (Yeah, I know...I'm awesome.)
Have you ever seen a dead body? On TV.
Do you have a celebrity crush? No, I don't get too involved in "celebrity crushes".
What is one thing scientists should invent? BITCH EXTERMINATION SPRAY. I would spray this bitch until she didn't have a slutty bitchy part left to her. Mhmmmm.
Have you ever broken a bone? Nope!!
What happens after you die? I dunno, I haven't died yet.
Do you watch or read the news? Neither really.
What stereotype would you label yourself as being? I hope none!
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label? I don't think my friends think I'm sterotypical at all.
If yo ucould change your name, what would you change it to? Something pretty.
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go? 12 years old and under probably. I'd start from there and fix everything.
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change? Uhhh, probably quite a few things.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping? OF COURSE, you sickies.
Have you ever played strip poker? Yes, I have.
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves? It depends.
What do you want your friends to think about you? That I'm pretty much awesome.
Whats the biggest argument you've ever gotten into? Hahahahahahaha...whew, that's a good one. TOO MANY.
HAve you ever bitten someone? Yes.
When's your birthday? September 7th!
Have you ever stolen anything? A piece of gum when I was younger but then I felt guilty so I threw it back in the store and ran away crying. My bad...sorry Wal-Mart.
Do you make wishes on shooting stars? Yes!
Whats the most you've ever eaten in one sitting? We shouldn't go here...lol.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be? I'm not sure.
Do you remember your dreams? YES!
Have you ever been in love? Yep.
Are you a morning person or a night person? NIGHT.
Do you have any phobias? Puking.
What's the meanest thing you've ever done to someone? I'm not sure, actually...I'm sure it wasn't very nice though. Woops.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth)? Yes.
How many screen names do you have? 2.
Do any medical problems run in your family? Cancer.
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family? Close to it!
Have you ever had a nightmare? Of course...all the time. Icky.
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies? Enemies.
Would you ever participate in a threesome? Hahahaha, you sickies!!
Would you ever pay for a prostititue? Ohhh, you know it. (NOPE.)
Have you ever mooned or flashed someone? Yep.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf? Nope!
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants? Not quite THAT hard...but hard enough that my stomach hurts and my eyes water.
Have you ever written a love letter? Yes!
Have you ever attempted suicide? I don't think I meant to actually attempt suicide.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Either one if they're on Nate.
Have you ever been in a fistfight? No, but I know a lot people that want to kick my ass...mwahahaha. I came close to a fistfight with Ashley Deschaine though once...hahaha.
Do you have any hidden talents? Well then...I guess you'll just never know, will you?
What is one thing you want me to know about you? I dunno.
What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask? Something dumb.
Do you usually prefer books or movies? Depends.
Who is your favourite person to talk to? Nate.
Who is always able to cheer you up when you're sad? Awe :) Nate is good at it.
Would you ever have sex before marriage? It depends on the situation.
Who do you talk to most on the phone? Nate.
Do you have a secret that yo'ure ashamed of? Yep.
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words? British spellings are interesting, but American probably.
Have you ever gotten detention? Not once!
How do you vent your anger? Hahaha, we will just skip this one.
Have you ever been on a diet? YES! I hate it, but what has to be done has to be done. lol.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you? Nate's older than me.
Is your best friend a virgin? Which one?
What's a rumor someone has spread about you? Hmmm...OH MY GOD!! THERE WAS ONE TIME THAT SOMEONE STARTED A RUMOR THAT I WAS GOING TO BEAT KIM UP!! I loved that one...it made me laugh. I love her<3
What's the kinkiest thing you could ever actually see yourself as doing? Not sure...lol.
What's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to you? Hahahaha, not sure.
What's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you? I don't know.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Not that I know of...lol.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose? Silly goose!
Have you ever wanted to murder someone? AHHH!! YES. But I never would.
Have you ever hated someone? YES. All the time.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online? Phone.
Do you consider yourself popular? Sure.
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them? Nate, I have a "crush" on you. Mwahahahaha.
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy? Maybe.
Have you ever had a crush on a best friend? Yeah, I think so?
What is your favourite book? Pure by Rebecca Ray.
Do you have a collection of anything? I don't think so.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming? Sometimes.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago? I hope so!
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now? Good question.
Are you happy with the life you have? For the greater part, yeah.


THAT WAS A BLAST. Actually, it wasn't and now my pinky hurts like a bitch. Shittty. Anyways though, I'm going to go get ready for the day, because I'm sitting here with my hair wrapped in a towel like Osama Bin Laden and my face is make-upless. Which is awful!! AHHH!!

I love my friends.

I love my boyfriend<3

And he makes me happy.

<3xOxO
 
     Read 6 - Post
 
JOINT UPDATE WITH SUNNY & CHELSEY!!   
01:06pm 30/08/2005
 
mood: jubilant
YO YO YO!! It's early morning...being 1:06 pm. And we hate bitches. They are gross. Oh well. We are speaking in general...we aren't POINTING FINGERS OR ANYTHING!! (You dirty cunt.) Anyways...

We just ate really good chicken and corn on the cob...as well as chocolate ice cream and chips. Also granola bars. Possibly even water...and diet coke. But this is beside the point.

We watched a scary ass movie last night which would be a little thing we like to call White Noise. Which scared the bejesus out of us. If you know what I mean. I don't think that we have been this scared for a while, so if you are home alone with the lights off and you have no phone to call for help...watch White Noise. It would be fun.

Anyway, on a lighter note. We love Ashley Deschaine and Siobhan Turner. Mhmmmm. <3

I love Nate.

A lot.

And Sunny+Chelsey=<3

Yes, yes it does. Lovers.

Okay you sickies...we're out.

Love,
Sunny&Chelsey
 
     Read 4 - Post
 
HEY GUYS!   
07:17pm 29/08/2005
 
mood: creative
I haven't written in forever!! Whoa. It's been a long ass time.

Lots to say though I guess, but I don't really feel like writing it all.

School is coming up. [This makes me cringe, but oh well. Mr. Frost is gone, and our school should be better?? Maybe not. My AP teacher is gone. FUCK. Oh well.] I have to say...Brewer school systems are messed up. Mrs. Webb isn't the big cheese anymore.

That's pretty cool.

Girls are so gay. With the exceptions of course of the following...

[SH, KS, KH, KP, ST, AD, KLH, CG, KR, LG, RB, CC] <-----they are amazing.

Other than that though...they are backstabbing bitches that should all rot in hell as far as I'm concerned.

I have a lot of misconceptions about people I guess. For some reason people are always hard to read for me. I think I know them so well, but I never do. Oh well, sucks, but might as well not worry about it.

I hate the stuck up ones too ;-) They suck. RICH BITCHES.

Well, I will leave you with the fact that I love my boyfriend, and that will be all. I'll update more though. I'll try for daily. YES!

Hube is on her way over for a little "schmooze" if you know what I mean. Gotta love her. <3

<3Chels*
 
     Read 7 - Post
 
Survey motherfuckerrrrs!   
01:22pm 16/06/2005
 
mood: Desperately horny. (Kidding ;)
1) Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
Four pairs of shoes...the same ones in different colors.

2) Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
Fiji water, coffee, milk, Dr. Pepper.

3) Last time you Cried, and why?:
2 days ago because Ever After is really sad.

4) What's In Your CD Player?
A mix.

5) What's Under Your Bed?
Beanie Babies.

6) What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
6:21.

7) Current Hair?
In a messy bun.

8) What are you wearing
UMO sweatshirt, jeans, socks, skivvies, bra...

9) Current Worry?
Not seeing Nate tonight.

10) Current Love?
Hmmmm...I think that's pretty obvious if you ever talk to me.

11) Current Hate?
Too many people to count.

12) Favorite Place To Be?
Snuggling with Nate :)

13) Least Favorite Place
School.

14) If You Could Play An Instrument?
Guitar.

15) Favorite Colors?
I don't have one.

16) How Tall Are You?:
about 5'9"

17) Favorite expression?
Smiling!

18) One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To?
No one.

19) One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now?
No one.

20) Favorite Day(s)?
September 7th, December 25th, I don't know...

21) Where Would You Like To Go?
To Nate's.

22) Where Do you want to live?
West Virginia.

23) Favorite food?
Sour Cream and Onion chips or maybe pizza hut cheesesticks.

24) Color of most clothes you own?
Pink.

25) Number of pillows you sleep with?
Two.

26) What do you wear when you go to sleep?
Absolutely nothing...BITCHESSSSSSS.

27) what were you doing 12AM last night?
Waiting for Nate to call-sleeping maybe?

28) Who do you think of most?
Nate.

29) What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
Living in Boston with Nate while he plays for the Red Sox.

30) Are you paranoid?
About some things.

31)Do you burn or tan?
Tan.

32) First piercing/tattoo?
Ears.

33) First enemy?
Hannah Taylor/Ali Caron.

36) Last person you yelled at?
My mom.

37) Last crush?
George I guess? If we aren't talking recent, that is.

38) Last thing you ate?
I drank coffee.

39) If you could be a pirate, would you?
Yes.

40) Last time you had sex?
Eighty days ago...around there.

41) If you could be with anyone right now, who would it be?
Nateeeeee : )

42) Best Sex you Ever Had?


Part 2:

1.Your full name?
Chelsey Rebecca Davis.

2. Grandparents first names?
Lynette and Richard, Rebecca...and I don't know my other grandfather's name.

3. What songs do you sing in the shower?
A lot of them!

4. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
People...killers.

5. When and why did you last vomit?
A long ass time ago when I caught the flu.

6. What's in your pockets right now?
Nothing.

7. what color are your bedroom walls?
White.

8. last thing that made you laugh?
Nate.

9. nicknames your parents call you?
Kaboozel, freddy, pumpkin, sweetie, Chels.

10. best bed sheets you had as a child?
PUPPIES!!

11. favorite childhood pet?
Sha-Sha.

12. any pets now?
Yep.

13. others describe your ass as?
I don't know...I'm not around to hear them talk about it.

15. inny or an outty?
Inny.

16. things you shout to stupid drivers?
Funny things.

17. favorite restaurant?
Hibachi's.

18. bake or broil?
Broil.

19. black olives or green olives?
Green.

20. what kind of phone do you own?
Unicel.

21. what's one of the strangest things you've ever chewed on?
Haha? I don't know?

22. is your music kept in a particular order?
50 Cent's first.

23. where do you get your film developed?
Wal-Mart.

24. if your skin could be any color of the rainbow, what would you choose?
Black!!!! Just kidding...hmmmmm...tanner!

25. strangest drug experience?


26. favorite weather?
Warm.

27. describe your fingernails?
Long.

28. worst injury you've ever had?
Falling off a scooter-it was much more than just falling though.

29. how do you like your chocolate?
I don't like it...I like frozen hot chocolates at DQ and that's it.

30. favorite kind of tape?
What the fuck? None?

32. favorite thing to write or draw with?
Fingerpaints! Other than that...pencils.

33. Last movie you rented?
The Grudge...SO FUCKING SCARY!

34. last movie you went to see?
Madagascar...haha, shut up.

35. were you a thumb sucker?
Yep.

36: What are your dreams like?
Weird ass stuff goin' on...

37. hallucinations?
I don't think so? Maybe if I'm petrified of something...

38. worst hotel you've ever been in?
Haha, one in Conneticuit. Let's just say "insect problem."

39. best vacation
WEST VIRGINIA OR LAS VEGAS BABY!!

40. what languages can you speak?
English.

41. favorite mode of transportation?
Planes.

42. favorite place to swim?
Ocean/Lake.

43. last porno you saw?
One Night in Paris.

44. last song you listened to?
Candy Shop.

45. favorite kitchen utensil?
Fork.

46. favorite driving songs?
Rap or alternative or country.

47. What will you be doing tomorrow?
Bawling my eyes out because Nate's leaving...wow. :(

48. What is your dying wish?
To be dying happy I guess.

49. One regret?
I guess I can't regret anything I meant to do, now can I?
 
     Read 2 - Post
 
It's been a while...   
07:42pm 08/06/2005
 
mood: devious
I feel strange. I feel kind of like things are getting better, and it scares me. I KNOW that life is starting to begin for me, and I love it...but I'm terrified. I'm so used to having someone here for me-a guy, and it's hard to think that I could actually make it on my own if I wanted to...I do want to.

I have so many amazing friends. I just wish that there were some way to repay them for all that they do for me, possibly without realizing. Just letting me feel like I belong somewhere is incredible, and trying to understand me, even though I know that won't ALWAYS be the case.

It's almost summer, and my heart is finally started to heal, and my friends are around...I'm having the time of my life and I don't even realize it.

On top of that, MATT IS GOING HOME FRIDAY...that makes me happy, and extremely thankful to God for keeping him safe. There is someone up there, no matter what happens.

I have to say, amazing doesn't even begin to describe a recent person that I've been talking to...not even close. Incredible...absolutely.

I don't know what to think at the moment. I can't tell if I should be happy that life might be changing and go for it, or if I should stay back and wait for the past to catch up with me...hard sometimes, and I don't really want to know the answers...not yet, I don't think I'm ready.

This summer could either be absolutely amazing and I could have the best time ever with new friends and old friends and romance, or it could blow monkey balls and I'll be bored off my ass and not willing to move out of my bed...at least I'll have a job, rather it's at Quizno's or if I find somewhere else--which I hope that I do...not involving au jus sauce.

Chels, you are seriously incredible...I mean that. If it hadn't have been for our past talks that we've had, I honestly wonder if I'd be here. I owe you a lot.

Wish me luck while I try to make it on my own...independence is a foreign thought. Maybe it's for the best?

God Bless,
Chelsey<3

HERE ARE SOME SONG CHOICES THAT FIT MY MOOD LATELY...HAVE FUN READING :)

I love this song and the lyrics blow my mind :)
STAIND-IT'S BEEN A WHILE
"It's been a while
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And It's been a while
Since I First saw you
And It's been a while
Since I could stand
on my own two feet again
And it's been a while
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that i've rendered
I stretched myself beyond my means

And It's been a while
Since I can say
That I wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I can say
I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
and it's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I'm gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could
Look at myself straight
And it's been a while
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been a while
Since I've seen the way
the candles light your face
And it's been a while
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
as fucked up as it all may seem
To be,
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been a while
Since I could
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry..."

Amazing lyrics, amazing singer...so talented, and so close to home it gives me goosebumps...Epiphany is a beautiful name for a song as well. I never feel the way that I feel when I'm listening to this song UNLESS I'm listening to THIS SPECIFIC SONG...wow, that made no sense, but whatever...hopefully SOMEONE will be able to know what the fuck I'm talking about.

EPIPHANY-STAIND
"Your words to me just a whisper
Your face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear

Oh
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh
Forget all the things I should have said

So I speak to you in riddles
'Cause my words get in my way
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And feel it wash away
'Cause I can't take anymore of this
I wanna come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart

Oh
'Cause it's always raining in my head
Oh
Forget all the things I should have said

I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention,
Yet I always try to hide
'Cause I talk to you like children,
Though I don't know how I feel
But I know I'll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed

'Cause it's always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said..."
 
     Post
 
GKeefe30: You don't even mean anything.   
08:46pm 26/05/2005
 
mood: angry
"I stay wrecked and jealous for this, for this simple reason I, just need to keep you in mind as something larger than life..."

Well, well, well. I have to say, I feel like my heart has literally been ripped out and stomped on. It kind of feels like he wasted his time being with me. Maybe that's just it, I'm a waste of time.

The only thing that sucks is that I can't find in my heart to have feelings for anyone but him, so there's no such thing as moving on.

I wish I could have no conscience like him. It would recreate my life and make it far better if it didn't have feelings and could rip people's insides out with my words. I don't know...I just wish he would have called me a bitch or some kind of name rather than told me that I don't mean anything to him...

I should have realized that a long time ago because it's obvious that

he

never

loved

me

but I'm just too stupid to have known that earlier. What is someone supposed to do when their entire world revolves around someone and then they just take that stability away? It hurts more and more when in every class I start crying a little bit and then recover a little bit and then cry a little bit and then recover a little bit...it just doesn't ever "start to get better" like everyone says it will.

It only gets worse, and what's sad is that he loves it.

I never update anymore, and I hate it when people say I'm not myself anymore, because I know who made it that way. I just wish I could say that he has no effect on me, but I know that he does more and more everyday. With every word that we left unsaid, and that we keep leaving unsaid, it gets worse.

I think I give myself false hope in thinking that when I'm older and we run into eachother again, everything that was there for him will come back...

Even though he says these hurtful things...

Even though he cheated on me...

Even though he lied to me...

Even though I made his life miserable...

Even though he knows I'm worthless...

Even with the fights...

Maybe it was all worth it, because if it weren't for those things, how would people know what happiness is?

If only I could hold him just one more time and pour my heart out to him...I just want to cry on his shoulder and have him hold me and say everyting will be okay.

But that's just a dream.

And that will never come true.

And I wish I could be Chelsey again.

God Bless,
Chelsey<3

Matt, I know you'll be fine even though you had a setback. I care about you so much and I know that your little attitude will help you fight this. Everything seems so unfit to be happening to you, because you're so incredible. God Bless You, and I'm praying my heart out.
 
     Read 1 - Post
 
"Remember more that you'd like to forget..."   
03:06pm 23/05/2005
 
mood: thirsty
Wow, updating this bitch has been a task lately, that's for sure. I'm busy, and everytime I come home I fall asleep. Thank God for my friends, or I would be...I don't even know where I'd be with myself right now.

Work is out of control. It's a horrible situation when you walk into work feeling like you want to clock out and go sleep. I'm not ready for a job yet-I'm too tired, and I'm not in the right state of mind quite yet.

I hate the fact that I still cry over things I cannot change. Things that are dead, but that I can't get talk myself into burying...I'm not ready yet.

I still keep everything even though I wish so bad that I could throw it out like so many have suggested...I'm not ready yet.

I wish that I could look at him and hold my heart up...because it drops to the floor everytime I see him...I'm not ready yet.

I wish I could help who I love...it's impossible.

The days get longer and longer and even though I sleep all the time, I wake up drained and can't help but want to fall asleep in class. I wake up all through the night and can't fall asleep in the first place-it's not a good combination.

I don't know sometimes if my friends really care about me as much as they say they do. There are the select few that I know would care about me if something bad happened, but that's a very few. Mostly Anthony...where would I be without him? He never stops giving, listening, and catching me every single time I feel like the earth is falling out from under me...best friends are supposed to be just like Anthony. Exactly.

I know that there are people that care-I don't doubt it...but I mean REALLY caring enough to understand me...not just call George a douchebag and change the subject. I know that it's the group concencus, but I would just rather hear that I'm better than this and I can make it...even though sometimes I wonder if I will. I have to because

it's

out

of

my

control.

And I hate it.

Feelings don't just go away when you want them to. I could cry at any point in time, and lately I've been doing just that-at random times. I know I'll be alright...

Maybe it will just take someone to say the same things that George said...

But this time, I want him to mean it.

I know that I'm not neccesarily in the state of mind to be sitting here writing because honestly, I could pour my heart out and it still wouldn't make me feel any better inside. I wish I could lay in bed for the rest of my life...

And I know a lot of other people do as well.

So here's to that thought...my thought of the day.

Cheers.

God Bless,
Chelsey<3

P.S. Matt, I know you'll be fine...please don't think that anything has changed just because of what happened...it's exactly the same. You are amazing, and you truly are superman :) I can't wait until you can have visitors! God Bless you, Matt.
 
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A bullet page for you since I don't feel like updating today.   
07:48pm 19/05/2005
 
mood: hopeful
-I would rather be getting my legs broken by a midget squad than go to Brewer High School one more day of my life.

-I am very sick of eating healthy.

-I love chips. Especially sour cream and onion ones.

-People are gay.

-I miss Matt Peasley, and he's amazing.

-There are some pshycos that live in the New England area, and you never really know someone until you REALLY get to know them.

-That last comment was pretty obvious.

-Sunny Hubler rocks my world, and now I want to read the "flip out" entry she speaks of.

-Sunny's dog opens doors.

-Ex boyfriends are gay, and I hate them.

-More specifically, I hate the ex boyfriends that talk behind your back and then ignore you to your face.

-I stink like Quizno's and I'm getting grossed out.

-My cell phone is pretty cool.

-I love it when Travis does random things...such as when he's putting his gloves on, he says "Alright. So the oven's on fire. Are you going to make that person a sandwich?"

-I choked on pepsi today after I dribbled it out of my mouth and onto my chest.

-I'm a klutz.

-I love praying, and it makes me feel relieved.

-What is a "midget squad" exactly?

-Why do we have to read a gay book for English?

-Does Mr. Mitchell hate me? Probably.

-I'm tired.

-My contacts hurt.

-The OC is overrated.

-I stink.

-I think that I'm sick again.

-I know that at least 90 percent of you reading this will be saying "that bitch deserves to be sick".

-Sunny's dog opens doors.

-Carrie Underwood is competing in the finale for American Idol.

-My mom turns the TV up so loud during American Idol that my neighbors could turn the volume off their TV and watch American Idol the same way they would with the volume turned up.

-My mom cut her bangs to short...but they can't be THAT short because I didn't notice.

-I had spaghetti for my Healthy Choice Meal tonight.

-Travis came in like...2 hours early today...WTF?

-My back hurts.

-I stink.

-Matt Peasley is incredible.

-I'm done.

God Bless,
Chelsey<3
 
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God gives me things everyday that I don't even realize...   
06:05pm 17/05/2005
 
mood: hopeful
My insides have been pulled, played with, ripped apart, and my heart is just sick of breaking. George has hurt me, _______ has tried to hurt me(psh?), and the only person that hasn't, is a person that I'm not able to talk to right now. I think that God is trying to tell me something...you find strength in your moments of weakness, that's for sure, but there's something else. It just seems so strange how things fell into place after George left. Matt was just being Matt, but it helped me pull through so much. I can't wait to help him pull through this. He doesn't know why he's done for me already just by talking to me and hanging out with me. He's one of the best people I know, and has such a good heart. God must really be up there...the human body isn't made to handle things as well as Matt did, and thank God.


Matt, I can't stop writing to you! I made you a poster with Judy today, and it's very cute :) We tried! I hear how well you're doing, and it makes everything so much lighter-it's a weight off my shoulders, but yet at the same time, I'm itching to get to see you! I can't wait...I'll never stop praying for you...even when you're out of the hospital and doing just fine!

God Bless Everyone,
-Chelsey<3
 
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"Scars are souveniers we never lose, the past is never far."   
07:05pm 15/05/2005
 
mood: sick
Comment with this...

01; Who are you?
02; Are we friends?
03; When and how did we meet?
04; What's the fondest memory you have of me?
05; How long have you known me?
06; Where do you live?
07; What makes me happy?
09; What makes me sad?
10; What are some of your favorite bands?
11; What reminds you of me?
12; 1 being a little 10 being a lot, how well do you know me?
13; When's the last time you saw me?
14; How old are you?
15; Describe me in one word.
16; Have you ever wanted to tell me something but couldnt?
17; Do you think I could kill someone?
18; Am I one of your really good friends, or just.. a friend?
19; Are you going to put this in your LiveJournal?
 
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"That which doesn't kill you, makes you want to die."   
05:59pm 15/05/2005
 
mood: indescribable
"If Heaven was an hour, it would be twilight
When the fireflies start their dancin' on the lawn
And supper's on the stove, and Mama's laughin'
And everybody's workin' day is done

If Heaven was a town it would be my town
Oh, on a summer day in 1985
And everything I wanted was out there waitin'
And everyone I love was still alive

Don't cry a tear for me now, baby
There comes a time we all must say goodbye
And if that's what Heaven's made of
You know I, I ain't afraid to die

If Heaven was a pie it would be cherry
So cool and sweet and heavy on the tongue
And just one bite would satisfy your hunger
And there'd always be enough for everyone

If Heaven was a train it sure would be a fast one
That could take this weary traveler around the bend
If Heaven was a tear it'd be my last one
And you'd be in my arms again

Dont cry a tear for me now, baby
There comes a time we all must say goodbye
And if that's what Heaven's made of
You know I, I ain't afraid to die

Yeah if that's what Heaven's made of
You know I, I aint afraid to die."


5/15/05 ENTRY

Dear God,
I know I might not be the greatest person in the world, and I know that I don't pray as much as I should, but I'm hoping that you could give me another chance anyway. I can change everything. I can be a different person...I just need you so bad right now. The only person I can talk to and feel like they won't judge me is you, and I wish that you were a person so that I could have a chance to meet my best friend.
God, my friend is hurt really bad. He isn't concious, and when he rolled his eyes open they sat him up and he had no idea what was going on. Please let him know even though he's sleeping that so many people love him, and need him to pull through this. If you can make him be alright, and turn all of his pain around on me, that's fine...just let him smile and be Matt again.
God, I am so confused...it hurts so bad being a person right now, and for some reason I don't think I am. I know that I'm not myself-I know I'll never be the same. I don't think that anyone knows what to say to me right now because they either think that I'm not worth being with him right now, or that I'm bothering them wanting to know about him. He had surgery today, and I'm terrified.

I'm terrified...

God, do you know why this happens? Do you know why I feel like it's my fault and that I should have been there...I should have been talking to him? Since George left, life didn't progressively get better, it just got worse. I'm not blaming George for ruining my life, because I do that well enough on my own...I've been doing that since a long time ago, but nothing changed into good from when he left, and I don't know where to turn from here on. I see these people walking around like life is the same, but I'm dying inside. I feel these things that aren't normal, and all I can do is write to Matt.

Why did you do this to him? You almost took his life...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said that, but I'm contemplative right now. Is it my fault? Did I say something wrong? Did I not make the effort I should have? Maybe some people are just meant to take one hit in life...one bad thing happens, and their world crashes...maybe that's some people's lives. All I can do is write and write and write...to Matt, to you, to myself, to my journal...I am crazy. Something's wrong.

God, will you help me? Will you make his pain mine? Will you take anything bad that occurs from this accident happen to me? Will you change my life and plummet it into the pain that he feels and take it from him?

I
was
just
there...

I
was
just
with him...

God, can I help him? Can I just curl up on the floor next to his bed and cry? Can I just pray next to him and cry and talk to him, concious or not? Can you make me human again?

Can you make him Matt again?

I've learned, God. I know better than not to wear my seatbelt, but why did you have to teach me from Matt? Why couldn't you teach me from myself? Can you turn me into Matt?

It's so hard for me right now...I put on this smile for everyone, but when I'm alone...

When I'm not with everyone...

When the sky fogs over, and when my brain gets cloudy...

When I'm laying in bed, talking to myself...

When I'm writing to someone that can't receive...

When I'm hoping for the skies to clear...

When I try to stand up from my bed...

When I try to see the person I'm writing to...

Isn't there any way that I can just be there...

I'm not Chelsey.

And nobody understands...because nobody feels the same as the next person does.

God, do people deserve these things to happen?

I wish I'd have been better to you, God, throughout my childhood.

Please save Matt...please let him be Matt again.

Thank You God,
Amen.









God Bless & I Love You All,
Chelsey<3
 
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"But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me..."   
09:33pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: sleepy
I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been trying my best to get along
But that's okay there's nothing left to say but.

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me.

I went out driving, trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been.
So.

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me.

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life.

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I don't need 'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me."-Keith Urban

Matt, I'll write to you everyday until you wake up...
 
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Another   
08:39pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: confused


What Your Dreams Mean...






Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious.

You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep.

Overall, you are very content in your life.

Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.

You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.

You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.





Love,
Chelsey<3
 
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Another...   
08:19pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: indescribable

The Keys to Your Heart



You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.


 
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I am so sad...   
08:14pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: drained

What You Really Think Of Your Friends



Ashley is your soulmate.
You truly love Matt :(.
You consider Hannah your true friend.
You know that Chelsea is always thinking of you.
You'll remember Sunny for the rest of your life.
You secretly think Derek is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.
You secretly think that Mitchell is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.
You secretly think that Crista is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Crista changes lovers faster than underwear.
You secretly think Siobhan is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Siobhan has a hidden internet romance.





The red one :( That's so sad...Matt...I'm thinking of you.

Love,
Chelsey<3

I'm writing more of these kind of updates, don't worry. I love taking these quizzes so if there are random entries like this, you'll know why.
 
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Life is horrible...   
05:26pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: depressed
Matt, I was just talking to you and now this? You are one of the best people I know and I just recently met you...you're the sweetest guy I know and there's something wrong in the world when God does this to people like you. You mean a lot to me already, and if I could, I would be there right now with you right beside you talking to you even though I know that you couldn't hear me. You'll be unconcious for a week, and that is scary. I don't know how I'll be able to go without talking to you like I have been. Matt, I'm praying for you, and I'm a mess. I'm scared, and I don't know what to do about this. I want to be there with you...I want you to be back to normal again. I want things to be okay for you...I don't want to wait a month to have you normal again. A month of being in the hospital? I will be there every single time that I can. I promise you that. I miss you.

They hit a tree and he wasnt wearing his seatbelt, he hit his face and shattered the bones and skull around his eyes, cut his face, cut his arm bad, broke his femor in his leg, and has brain swelling/bleeding/ and bruising, and also cut his spleen. He'll be asleep for a week, and hospitalized for a month. It happened at 5:30 because they were going to see the sunset in Lamoine. I'm going insane...something just happened inside of me that I'm not used to. A part of me is gone right now, and I'm...not Chelsey for right now. This is...unbelievable, and making me sick. I need to...I don't know. I'm...really messed up right now. Something's wrong.

Love,
Chelsey<3
 
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Matty :(   
04:44pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: sad
Why do bad things happen to the best people? I was just talking to him and then the next day I find out that he got in an accident. Weird shit...I'm scared, and worried, and I just want to talk to him the way that I usually do and know that he's okay.

I brought him two packages of Goldfish and card, but I couldn't give it to him personally because the nurses wouldn't let me-that means he's not doing so well.

I brought him Goldfish because that's the way that we first talked...I saw him walking with a bag of them and asked him for some the first time we ever talked. I'm sad.

And sick of Brewer people. They suck.

Love,
Chelsey<3

Matt :( I miss you.
 
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"At times, we must learn to accept other's ignorances and proceed to our own brilliances."   
12:16pm 14/05/2005
 
mood: confused
I just made myself some pancakes! They are yummy. Last night was fun. I went to the mall, and I got a cute shirt, an awesome jacket, two movies, aaaaand an eyelash curler! Woot woot! I was pumped about it. I don't work today which I am also pumped about.

Oh, and I got an awesome anonymous post that you all should check out...they make my day and it's weird that I got one because I was JUST talking to Sunny about how I love getting them and I miss them :( Not to mention, I love the false ones that everyone that reads it laughs and goes "yeahhhh, right...Chelsey Davis sleeping around-I don't think so." It just makes the person that wrote it look bad.

And when do I say "like"? Haha, apparently/hopefully much less than the author of that comment :-P

Hmmm...I am very sleepy, and everytime I go to bed I get leg cramps and I don't know why. It sucks, and I hate it. I have to move my leg a certain way and whatever and then it finally goes away until at least...2.48902010458010199 seconds later. So that makes me proud. Sunny Hubuler has some stuff to tell me about I believe-yes, yes she does.

Anthonyyy :) I love you very much, and you and I are amazing at softball no matter what anyone says about my skills...

Love,
Chelsey<3

P.S. I need to know who Derek Warren is...any ideas? I'm very curious now.
 
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